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I am not good at this.

I am just not good at this keeping a blog.  It was meant to help me keep journal and keep myself in check and I just can’t seem to keep it up. 

Maybe because in March I thought I was doing good in my recovery.  My grief seemed to be at bay most of the time.  I thought of him daily, but not with a heavy heart.   It was with a full heart; remembering all the good times we had together.  The laughter, the jokes, the serious times.  But they were all good.  Rarely did we ever argue and if we did, it never lasted more than an hour or two.  I must have gotten a false sense of security that I was going to be okay. 

As July rolled around, I started to slip backwards.  The anticipation of the one year really did start to weigh very heavily on my mind and my heart.  It consumed me.  I could hardly make myself get out of bed, or go to work.  I didn’t really want to socialize at all.  I just wanted to be left alone so I could be miserable by myself.   Then the dates just started looming.  Fourth of July weekend.  Went home to Mom and Dad’s house, but with my mind on the fact that last year, Corey had been complaining that he was having a hard time breathing.   And then getting upset with myself for not really pushing him to go to the Dr.  But then was I being overly protective?   It was hot and the heat was so oppressive that even I was having a hard time with it.  

Then it was time.  Time for the Girls weekend trip to Galveston.  That same trip that I took last year at his urging.   I had flipped flopped back and forth about going, but deep down  knew that I really needed to go.  I took that Friday off and planned to keep busy with my friend “M” before heading down to Galveston.  But still, it was at the back of my mind, just nagging at me.   As I started down, I tried my best to keep my thoughts focused on the fact that I needed to keep myself focused on having a good time.  I really played my music loud as I sat in traffic; sang out loud and badly.  But still, not really helping.  There were times while heading down that way, that I shed tears in knowing that  at this time last year, would be the last time I would see him alive. 

The weekend at the beach was fun.  I got up early on Saturday morning and braved my way to the beach through a wall of mosquitos, to take a long and reflective walk.   It helped a bit.  As I walked along the beach I looked for two perfect seashells.  I really wanted to take them to his grave on Monday.  I did a little crying on the way and really had a good time to reflect on last years events. 

As the weekend progressed, I had some “moments” where I just needed to go and be by myself.  I would disappear to my room and at one time had a really hard, long cry that wretched my guts.  A cry that really did put me into a napping state.   I have to thank “A”, “R”, “K”, and “J” for understanding that I needed to disappear a few times.  I know that they totally understand how hard that weekend was going to be for me. 

I postponed leaving the beach for as long as I could.  But I headed out and went on my way to Pearland to visit my friend “P” and her newborn “L”.  Holding babies always seems to help brighten my spirits.  “P” is such a wonderful friend and has been there for me through the whole event; as well as many, many others.  She welcomed me into her home, and I met her in laws and husband as well as the precious Spike and  baby “L”.  I thank them dearly for allowing me to spend some time with them.  Again, another avoidance tactic, but it was a good one.

I left in enough time to drive straight to church for the 5pm Mass.  And I am glad that I did.  I needed to be at Church to receive the word of God and for it to help me understand my pain.  Father Sean’s homily touched me deeply and brought me to tears.  Later , after mass, I went to dinner with the ladies and that really helped me out even more.  I finally returned home after 8 pm, to a rather empty, still house.  And I cried myself to sleep.

The next morning, the one year mark.  I arose with great trepidation.  I cried through my shower, and how I put on my face, I will never know.  I drove to the cemetary to sit with him and to talk to him.  And to lay roses, red, at his marker.  When I arrived, I found a beautiful, yellow silk flower arrangement at his marker.  Sent by my Nestie friends, this only made me cry harder and harder.  I missed him so much.  So much it hurt.  I laid the roses down and the two perfect shells.  I told him how much I missed him and how much I wanted him back, but knew that God had him now.   And that he was in good hands.  And I took leave and headed to work in which I pretty much did nothing but just stare into space.  I did accomplish some work, but it was those things that did not require me to really make any hard decisions. 

As the week passed, I started to feel much better.  I have accomplished so many things and that I knew he was proud of me.  And I knew that it was time for me to move forward and start seeing others.  Making new friends and doing new things.  Because I know that is what he would want for me.  To be happy.  And I tried…..

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Yet again, I failed to keep posting!

It’s been a while since I posted, yet again.  I really try to post, it’s just that I have been pretty busy lately.  Work, Church, family; it’s all good!

I just spent last week on vacation.  My vacation policy at work is a “use it or lose it” policy, so I used that last week before the end of the fiscal year.  After dropping the dogs off at my parents house, I spent the rest of the week doing “me” things.  Monday was a movie with my friend M.  We went to see “Alice In Wonderland”.  Really good movie.  The graphics was really outstanding and the colors very vivid!   Now I am not a Johnny Depp fan, but really..  he was good!

Tuesday called for the cleaning people to come in and steam clean the carpets, the tile and seal the tile.  This had not been done since we bought the house and really, I don’t think the previous owner EVER sealed the tile.  Tuesday turned cold and rainy, so it was a good day to be stuck inside with wet carpet! LOL

Wednesday started “The” trip!   I did a lovely trip with two friends, Ms M and Ms C.  We did a 2 day, 9 yarn shop, trip through the Hill Country of Texas.  What fun!!  It was so cool to visit all these different local yarn shops and peruse all the great fibers!  I tried to ONLY purchase items that were locally made or not something that I would normally buy at my local yarn shop.  We met many different people and had a super time!   I love, LOVE, spending time with these gals and I know we had a blast.  One of the local places we went to was Old Oaks Ranch in Wimberley.  They had some nice fibers to choose from, but outside, they had some of the loveliest sculptures and animals!  I was able to take a few pictures!

to see more check out the sculpture garden gallery on the Old Oaks Website!

But really, my favorite shop visit was to Comfort, TX and The Tinsmith’s Wife.  What a quaint shop!  They had some of the most loveliest yarns, and the owners dad was there!  He was such a VERY nice man and we enjoyed visiting with him.  I do plan on going back again.  Theres a possibility that they are going to have one of my favorite knitting authors, Wendy Johnson, down for a class and if so, I  AM THERE!   

After getting home, and tripping over the rug that was left in the kitchen from the cleaning, and falling on my hip, elbow and shoulder, I unpacked all the goodies and prepared to go see my oldest nephew who turned 12 on Saturday!  It’s hard to believe that he’s now 12 yrs old.  I remember the day he was born and holding him, screaming his head off.  But he’s turned into a wonderful young man and I can’t wait to watch him grow further in his faith, schooling and life.    I had the opportunity to tell him how much his Uncle Corey loved celebrating his birthday with him.  See, Corey’s birthday was four days after A’s.  So, even though he would tell me how MUCH he did not want a fuss over it or anything, I truly believed that he secretly enjoyed celebrating A’s birthday.  Why?  because those kids would remember that his would be a few days later and they would have a card for him, or a cake or at least sing to him.  That really meant the world to him.   His birthday this year is going to be hard.  It’s on a Wednesday and I will be at work.  I am planning on making his favorite cake, Texas Sheet Cake, and take it to work to share with everyone.  I am even contemplating going to his favorite BBQ restaurant and picking up some meats to share with friends for lunch.   I, selfishly, wish that my family would remember that its his birthday and maybe send me some flowers or something to work.  It would be nice, comforting and I would take some down to the cemetary later that evening.    It’s going to be so very hard to visit knowing that he’s no longer alive.  But he’s an enternal 45 yrs old, the lucky devil. 

I will do my best to post more as time is really starting to free up for me.  Things are slowing down and maybe now I can really concentrate on meeting my goals.  

More to follow!

Much Love

Lexie

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I’ve been slacking

Looking back at my last post, I can tell that I have been slacking on posting.  I have been, I guess, just keeping to myself and my grief.  There has been some good days, some okay days and then there’s the really bad days.  Sometimes I just can’t tell what it is going to be like from day-to-day.

The week after the last post was extremely busy for me; which was probably good since I was an emotional wreck over the weekend and that Monday.  I even went to Handbell Practice crying.  Though, I have to admit, once we got started, I didn’t have time to really think and have the feelings of despair that I had been feeling.  Trying to stay up to speed and not make mistakes makes getting your mind off of things really helps. 

Superbowl weekend was one of those “milestones” for me to get through. It was six years ago, on Superbowl weekend, that Corey went out to meet my family.  It was hard to think about because it was such a happy time.  He had so much fun pulling a fast one over mom and meeting the kids.  But, just thinking about that now puts a smile on my face.   We used to laugh about that weekend all the time.

The Saturday of that weekend led to a rather unusual experience for myself.  I had spent the day working with my friend M, administering the ACT test.  Got home around 330 pm to meet someone who was coming to get an old refrigerator.  After peeling the dogs off of each other, because they were fighting over a bone, I sat down at my computer.  It was quiet in the house.  Nothing going but the refrigerator.  Out of nowhere, Corey’s Grandparent Cuckoo clock that has not worked in over a year, started to tick and cuckooing.  I had not touched it since it quit a year ago.  It just started.   It really freaked me out.   I later found out that later that night, Corey’s brother, J, had the exact same thing happen to him at his house.  It’s now that I truly believe that Corey was there and it was his way to let us know that he was there and with us.  I never, ever, believed in that stuff, and now I do. 

Sunday of the Superbowl was spent with my Brother and his family.  We had a nice lunch at Pappasitos and then headed back their house.   Michael and I worked on my budget and financial plan together.   I love my baby brother; he’s been such a rock for me and his help is invaluable.  I will forever be indebted to him.   With his help, I have a very aggressive plan to pay off the first mortgage of the house, pay of the car note and start saving like a fiend.  I was worried that I was in bad shape and I am not.  What a relief. 

The dogs have been good.  Dusty loves to sleep on the bed with me.  I think he likes the heated mattress cover more than anything.  Lyndsie sleeps in her kennel and snores away.  At times, it is in stereo!

More to come at a later time!!

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It’s been a rough week

The title says it all.  It’s been one rough week emotionally for me.  For some strange reason, I have really just been super emotional.  Though I do have at least one idea why, but that is not necessarily the majority of why I have been so upset.

Mom came into town last week to help me change my third bedroom into my tv lounge/knitting room.  I am so appreciative of her that she was able to come in and help me out.  We spent all day Friday painting the room a really beautiful shade of green.  Glidden’s “Frosted Pine” to be exact.  Once we finished painting, we cleaned up and joined my friend and her husband for dinner and a movie.  We enjoyed and laughed so hard at the movie we saw which was “The Tooth Fairy”.   Great Movie… funny!!

Saturday we spent doing touch ups and moving furniture into the room.  I got this really awesome oversized chair from Craigslist and it really does fit my needs.   Huge and a HUGE ottoman to go with it!  We moved the TV in, rearranged the book shelf and hung pictures. 

But I think where my sadness and missing Corey came into play was when we moved the bookcase back into the room. That bookcase held all of Corey’s ducks that he had.  He loved those ducks.  And it was downhill from there.  Just putting them back up on the shelves just hurt.   And later, we got into the closet that houses all the old games he collected.  We needed to stack them back into a better organization than what it was.   Again, that was one of his passions and it just knocked me over yet again. 

We headed out to my brother and sister in laws house to watch my nephews and niece for the evening so that they could have a date night.   Being with the kids always makes me smile.  They are full of life and laughter and it was good to spend the time with them.   Though there were times, while they were playing games, that I would think about the last time Corey was there and it just made me sad.  He loved those kids and enjoyed being around them and playing games with them.   

Sunday brought a cleaning blitz and organization before Mom headed home.  It was tiring, but it was good to do all that we did.   Once mom headed home, and I got some grocery shopping out-of-the-way, I had time to sit down.  Yet again, the sadness enveloped me and I had a really good cry.   That good cry, after a good nap, moved into the night-time and thus caused me to have a horrible headache when I woke up on Monday.   It was enough to keep me at home.  I knew with that headache and the intense sadness, I knew that I would not be a good functional employee.   It did me good to be home and I had the time to really rest. 

The sadness is just sticking with me.   Why?  I can only think that it’s beginning to really hit me now that the pressing legal issues have been decided upon and I can now do what needs to be done.  Maybe it’s the finality of it all.  I don’t know.   All I know is that I miss him to the point that it hurts sometimes.  I know that by keeping busy it would keep me from having such sadness.   Thus my week has been packed…..

Handbell choir practice on Monday, Grief Support group on Tuesday, Knitting with the ladies on Wednesday, Sushi dinner with my Ya’Ya’s tonight.  Tomorrow is drinks with Corey’s Van Buddies, Saturday morning will be ACT  Test proctoring, and my first Widow and Widowers dinner on Saturday evening.   Sunday brings knitting some of my YaYa’s and then to my Brothers for some budgeting and planning.  And Sunday night brings Church.  

I know that God will lead me to get through all of this and that each day will get easier day by day.   I can only take it one day at a time.

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What’s been going on?

It’s been about a week since I last posted to the blog.  And I really feel bad for not staying on top of it.   I was to use this blog as a way to journal my thoughts and feelings.  And I plan on still doing it for that purpose.  I need to realize that it’s ok to miss a few days and not beat myself up over not doing it. 

I ended up getting really bad allergies after the endoscopy.  Just enough to cause me to end up at the Doctor’s office for a prescription of cough syrup and antibiotics.  It’s just amazing to me that I have been to her office more in the last six months than I have in six years.  I finally realized that my grief has taken a huge toll on my body and my immune system.  The stress over all the legal issues, and the loneliness factor has really caused me to become so susceptible to all sorts of things.  And that is really depressing for me.  I hate being sick.  And I hate being sick and not have Corey here to help me out.  That was a hard adjustment for me to make.  The first time I got really sick was in September when I ended up with bronchitis it was hard for me to deal without him.  When I was sick he was always fixing me chicken broth and getting me things that I needed.   Instead I was at home, not being able to breathe and crying.  Not a good combination. 

I know that I will survive without him, but it just really hurts my heart to have him gone.  He really was my soul mate, my hero, my prince.  I know that he knew how much I loved and adored him, and I hope that he still “hears” me when I tell him every day how much I love him and miss him.   We all miss him.  

This week was my first foray into learning how to play the Handbells at Church.  I needed to find something and I felt that getting back into music might help lift my sadness.   Now I have not played my flute in over 20 yrs.  So I was somewhat doubtful about having to read music again.  But luckily, they “color code’ the music to show you which ones you are to play.  I had a wonderful time and think that this is my contribution to Stewardship to the Church.  Our first performance is right now, scheduled for Feb 13th at the 5 pm Mass.  That is tentative at this time, but I can’t wait.

As well, my other contribution to the Church is to be a Lector.  I am ready to do that, however I am not yet on the schedule.  From what I understand there are a lot of lectors so I might only be able to read a few times.  I do plan on taking any sub requests, but I think that I will enjoy this too.   I might look in to becoming a Euchristic Minister too.  Anything to serve my Church.  Give back to them for giving to me all the love and welcome that I have received. 

Tomorrow, Mom and I will be painting the third bedroom and turning it into my craft room.  I chose Glidden paint in the shade of “Frosted Pine”.  A rather soothing shade of green.  Once painted, the chair I bought will be moved in and we will move the TV from the office into there as well.  This will be my haven to knit, watch TV and not sit in bed all the time.  That is not good for me or the bed!!  I will post before and after pictures!

Time to sign off for now.. but I just want to say this

I love you all.  You are my support system and I am ever so grateful to everyone.

Muah!!

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What do Michael Jackson and I have in common?

..we  have both used Propofol!  Yeah, I had to say that. 

On Tuesday this week, I was scheduled for an Endoscopy.  First one ever.  Nothing like having something put down your throat !  Since 2006 and after having my gallbladder removed, I started experiencing stomach spasms.  These spasms were often debilitating.  They would last anywhere from one minute to five/six minutes.  So painful that I could not get comfortable.  And it really could affect my breathing; causing shortness of breath.    When Corey was alive, I could manage the pain with an anti-spasmodic medicine.  But since his passing, it’s starting to really scare me.  It’s even been happening while I was driving. 

So I decided to do something about it.  I found a really great Gastroenterologist with a fabulous staff.   I had my first appointment with them on the six month anniversary of Corey’s passing.  The staff was compassionate and understood my fears and my tears that day.   They were nothing short of fabulous a week later when I had to have this procedure.  I think I really hyped myself up for nothing.  The only thing that hurt was the IV.  Felt nothing else at all!   I spent a couple hours waiting on the procedure which was easily passed laying on my back watching the little TV above my head.  Yes, each prep room had its own tv and directTV ! 

Somewhere around 11:30 am I was rolled into the procedure room by Dave.  What a nice guy!  He got me all hooked up with all sorts of lovely wires and a bite block!  LOL !  When Dr. Winston arrived, he asked me a couple of questions, and then Dave asked me to rollover to my left side.  I remember being asked to place my left leg back to prevent from rolling over and BAM!  I was out!  I remember NOT.A.Thing!   Best nap I have had in a long time!

Results from this lovely procedure reveals at this time that I have Esophagitis.  Chronic inflammation in the esophagus.  So hopefully with meds I can get this under control.  I believe that there is some association with GERD for this issue.   Keep me in your prayers and hope that I can fix this issue.

The rennovation of my third guest room is underway.   I have been in contact with someone about a Papasan Chair, however, it seems that this is becoming a flakey deal.  So back to the drawing board and Craigslist.   I have found at least on oversized chair and ottoman or a loveseat with a chaise at good prices.  I would really like to have the Chair, but I have yet to hear back.  

I will be painting the room, but not really sure what color.   I just know that this is my first step to change.   I know that Corey would want me to move forward and thus I think he will approve.  

I have had an ok week.  I really missed him badly on Tuesday before the procedure.  I would have rather him be there with me to find out what is wrong and not Mom.  Don’t get me wrong; I love my Mom.  It’s just not the same.   But I know that he was there in spirit. 

I must sign off for now; wishing all ya’ll a Happy Friday and a great weekend!

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