Six Months

Tomorrow, Tuesday January 12, 2010, will be the six month mark of Corey’s passing.  There are days that I feel like it was just yesterday and then there are the days that I feel like it was eons ago.  Either way, it’s hard.  Terribly hard. 

Sleeping at night is getting harder for some reason.  Maybe it’s because a lot of the legal things are being wrapped up and my mind is settling down just enough to start to realize that he’s gone.  At one point I was too busy for my own good and the results were looking like a panda bear because of the dark circles. 

The dreams have come back.  They are times that they really disturb me and make me anxious and sad.  The first dream I had was just shortly after Corey’s passing.  He had left me and I was frantically looking for him.  I could not find him; not anywhere.  I woke up crying pretty hard because I couldn’t understand why he was gone.  Why did he leave me?  Especially since that he had promised me that he would never leave me. 

The second dream that I had about three months after he died, he had left me, again, and I could see him just in front of  me, but I could never catch up to him.  He would be just where I could see him and I would run, and run, and run.  I would wake up and I would be out of breath, like I had been running.  Again, I would be crying when I woke up. 

The last one I had just not long ago, he had left me.  And I searched for him and I found him.  And I had him in my reach, looking into his eyes ask him Why?  Why did you leave me? Why?  You promised me.  I could see his brown eyes, and they were welling up with tears, but he never said why.  I woke up and never got that answer.   

Do these dreams mean something?  Is Corey telling me something?   It freaks me out sometimes.   I want so badly to understand why.  I know what caused his death, but why?  It’s so hard to explain what I am feeling what I am thinking.   I wished I could understand.

This week, is the week without any grief support group; I could use their fellowship and understanding.  Their support and love.  I have my family and friends who give me the same, it’s just sometimes different to meet others who know what I am going through.

At one time, I counted the years that we were together and how many more to go we had; now I count the months that he’s been gone.

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