Tomorrow, Tuesday January 12, 2010, will be the six month mark of Corey’s passing. There are days that I feel like it was just yesterday and then there are the days that I feel like it was eons ago. Either way, it’s hard. Terribly hard.
Sleeping at night is getting harder for some reason. Maybe it’s because a lot of the legal things are being wrapped up and my mind is settling down just enough to start to realize that he’s gone. At one point I was too busy for my own good and the results were looking like a panda bear because of the dark circles.
The dreams have come back. They are times that they really disturb me and make me anxious and sad. The first dream I had was just shortly after Corey’s passing. He had left me and I was frantically looking for him. I could not find him; not anywhere. I woke up crying pretty hard because I couldn’t understand why he was gone. Why did he leave me? Especially since that he had promised me that he would never leave me.
The second dream that I had about three months after he died, he had left me, again, and I could see him just in front of me, but I could never catch up to him. He would be just where I could see him and I would run, and run, and run. I would wake up and I would be out of breath, like I had been running. Again, I would be crying when I woke up.
The last one I had just not long ago, he had left me. And I searched for him and I found him. And I had him in my reach, looking into his eyes ask him Why? Why did you leave me? Why? You promised me. I could see his brown eyes, and they were welling up with tears, but he never said why. I woke up and never got that answer.
Do these dreams mean something? Is Corey telling me something? It freaks me out sometimes. I want so badly to understand why. I know what caused his death, but why? It’s so hard to explain what I am feeling what I am thinking. I wished I could understand.
This week, is the week without any grief support group; I could use their fellowship and understanding. Their support and love. I have my family and friends who give me the same, it’s just sometimes different to meet others who know what I am going through.
At one time, I counted the years that we were together and how many more to go we had; now I count the months that he’s been gone.